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One-Liners

• Did you ever wonder about the universe? I'd like to do that some day.

• Since I heard that "to air is human" I never worry about letting wind.

• I have an old rocking chair. I might get around to fixing it one day.

• I saw a sign in this shoe store window. "Buy one, get one free."

• At a Halloween party, I went as myself. Nobody recognized me.

• My dad used to beat me, but I was never good at board games.

• I think I once forgot what I was doing, but I can't remember if I did.

• I asked my dog Skippy, "How's life treating you?" He answered, "Ruff."

• I think what a lot of people don't know is that a lot of people know that.

• When I close my eyes I can't focus on my eyelids because they're too close.

• I tried not thinking once, but it didn't work because I wasn't paying attention.

• I found two snowflakes that were identical... they both looked like drops of water.

• I oncebought a big mirror but I had to take it back because everything in it was backwards.

• I figured out what the largest number is, but I can't tell you it because you'll just add one to it.

• I was going to go to a garage sale last week, but the one I've got is still in good condition.

• Spelling is hard for me because I think I'm missing some of the letters of the alphabet.

• I used to play basketball with my baby brother until one day he got stuck in the hoop.

• Climate change seems real to me because I noticed it feels hotter than it used to?

• Does it bother you that peanut butter looks like shit? And how about with jelly?

• My dog had a front leg amputated, and now whenever he pees, he falls over.

• Did you ever try to stop looking at a beautiful person? I'll bet it's hard.

• My snoring used to wake me up... but now I sleep in the next room.

• Did you ever not scratch an itch? It goes away... I've been told.

• Once I dreamt I woke up, then I realized I wasn't dreaming.

• I knew a guy who got hit by lightning. But not anymore.

• I think that the average person is dumber than most?

• Sometimes life really is like a bowl of cherries, pitiful.

• I read a book in Russian. I didn't understand a word of it.

• My uncle won't answer his phone unless it rings only twice.

• I tried whittling once, but I discovered I wasn't any good at it.

• I mark my socks with "L" and "R" so I get them on the correct feet.

• I think if I never go to a nudist camp I probably wouldn't have anyway.

• I have a friend, Thru Trucks, who isn't allowed to travel down some roads.